Saturday, October 02, 2004

Lying in Confession

This is a true story, I was eight at the time. All Catholic kids lie in confession. You don't mean to. You just get bored telling the priest, "I called Jimmy a bad name. I fought with my brother. I was disrespectful to my parents." I am sure they get tired of it too. This is the confession to end all eight-year old confessions.

When I was eight, I was staying up late, watching television alone. I heard a word that sounded like a wonderful sin for Saturday. I had no idea what it meant, but all the movie stars were suitably horrified. Yep. A good sin. I would use it.

So I went to 2 o'clock confession. Our church was old, dark and monolithic. It was a place you expected Thomas a Becket to be murdered in, and die, clinging to a cross while monks prayed over his lifeless form.

I sat in the pew next to the confessional. My legs were swinging. All the other good Catholic kids were in the pews around me, heads bowed, thinking about the Pirates' game that night.

The left confessional door opened. A child came out, not nearly looking sorry enough for his sins, I thought. He probably had really boring sins. Not like my juicy one.

I got up, genuflected and crossed myself, and primly went in.

I heard the grill slide open. Father Lutz said, "yes, my child?" His voice always had that deep sound of paper, heavy paper.

I crossed myself again. "Bless me father for I have sinned it has been one week since my last confession." (I could almost hear his eyes roll.) "This week I said a bad word. I fought with my sister. I sassed back at my mother."

I took a deep, dramatic breath, then blurted out, "and I committed adultery."

Dead silence. "Say that again?" He asked, clearly shocked.

"I said a bad word ---"

"No, child, skip right to the end." He sounded very strange. He was making these odd gasping noises.

"I committed adultery."

Long, long silence.

Then he said, "Are you truly sorry?" He choked out. There was a strange pause between each word.

"Yes Father." I answered.

"Very well. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers. And try not to do this again." He was choking. I was worried but knew I was okay. I said my Act of Contrition and got out of there.

When I closed the door behind me I heard Father Lutz explode into laughter. He went on for a good five minutes. All the other children looked at me. No one played with me at recess for the rest of the school year.

(This was orginally written for a contest. So, you may have seen this before here.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL....Class cheer class

Alistair @

October 4, 2004 at 12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you!
[url=]My homepage[/url] | [url=]Cool site[/url]

November 14, 2006 at 8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good design!
My homepage | Please visit

November 14, 2006 at 8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good design! |

November 14, 2006 at 8:27 AM  

Post a Comment